I knew he hated working as a slave, so one day when he had a bleeding rectum we went to the urgent care center. You sound like you got your shit together and only want a smooth happy life! We have had Financial issues and when we have extra money he wont hire any help .. Only he can do the work right. We moved to a new city together last April so I could go back to school and she worked for 2 months during the Summer, but has been for the most part unemployed since last January. Get outside in the fresh air, ride a bike, enjoy a picnic; plan a time where you agree to put aside job worries and focus only on having fun. He will have no choice but to get out, or to pay. I now see that I was very ill and also isolated because I was hundreds of miles from family and all my friends were still in the fast lane. called police 14 times plus moved again, only to have one last guy that was the strongest of them all. Its really hard with what happened to your family. I am so torn and feel so unhappy. I think Ill stay with my mom for a few weeks until something changes. I guess misery loves company, because although I feel for all of you, Im also glad to know Im not alone. Ive been with my husband for about 7 years now. Your spouse is confronting an extreme time; however, you are, as well. My boyfriend has never been able to keep a job. When I do, he asks me if I NEED monies? His parents are okay with him not working.. We have place to live, two beautiful children, husband who looks after the kids after school(btw that is the only thing he does when I am at work- as soon as I come home I have to cook, clean, take care of the school work and kids) and my parents in law do not understand why I am so unhappy? And he resents my (tiny!) It will not get better and who wants to wait and see anyway?? She has indicated that the 8 months without FT work has been too much on her and has caused her too much stress to the point where she cannot live with someone who has lost his confidence and cannot seem to find a job. So before any of that happens if I leave he may be able to find a roommate or petition his financial aid. I have passed my MCA on 2013 but still not getting a job. I always asked myself what shall I do? It undoes all the patient support Ive been trying to give and I then feel worse. MY DH does some housework but very very slowly so he thinks he does a lot. Im having a little trouble understanding what is being written by women on here. Im angry, resentful, depressed and had enough. I suggested a few alternatives for him (back to school for a teaching degree and be a teacher, relocating to other cities with better job markets etc) but he just looked at you in silence, and then back to his old self. Its a horrible situation all around. I was on the opposite end. Bc he feels he cant plan until he has an income which I completely agree. The emotional laborer in the relationship was probably too damn tired to add it to their to-do list. This has lasted way longer than we ever anticipated that it would and quite frankly there are days where I just see no light at the end of the tunnel. Id love to go on and on, but lets just say Im jealous of women whose spouses are gainfully employed. I cant believe there are so many others out there like me. Not even temp work. Ive been married 12 years to my wife.She brought 2 children into the relationship but that was okay.I loved them and raised them as my own.But 6 years into the marriage my wife lost her job and hasnt contributed financially ever since.At first I could carry the load until the financial crisis and then I lost my job.Since then Ive found a better job making more money but I still need her help.I think she went so long without working most employers over look her qualifications,I guess.We are drowning in debt.Im applying for a job that will take me away from home but Ill make more money than Im making now.I truly love my wife but I think its time for me to move on and find someone who is willing to work just as hard as me and not be stuck with someone who depends on me.Am I wrong?I know marriage is for better or worse but just keep thinking about the life I could have if I was with someone who is more independent and has less baggage. I give up. He does no housework, thats my job he always reminds and the outside is his.. So now he had been back since then, we arent even really in a relationship anymore, it feels more like room mates, who share a bed, (rarely sex). plays video games, watches movies, youtubes, and plays with his cat. Im not talking about men that are temporarily out of work, or in between jobs and are doing the household chores. I still love him but its changing. I really find it hard to believe too. I laugh at that because it really stinks of manipulation. I have had to start on anti-anxiety medicine as I felt like I was about to wig out and keep distancing myself which I know isnt good for our marriage. I know men on here seem to think we are all just whiny women that just want money. I am getting resentful because I work full time and do overtime often and dont have time for a social life anymore. Im just wondering how much time I should give him, I am doing my best to care for his oldest son who has ADD and our youngest child who has autism. These days, one of the most incessant nags of feminists is that husbands won't do half the housework. Years ago, when we were both in our 20s, my live-in boyfriend went through a stint of unemployment. He had not been a saver and so my own financial canniness actually came back and bit me big time. The biggest difference between man and woman is the woman always sacrifice in the family and children. Loss. My apartment was better than his, closer to my work, and I was on a contract so we chose to have him move in with me. Did this man ever mature mentally and emotionally beyond the age of 18 to 20? I hate the doubt in my mind that he isnt trying hard enough. Whether you're the emotional laboring spouse or the slacker, marriage therapists have some tips for you. I dont thin he sees it from my side. I always dream If I were younger (now I am 40+)and no children I can start my new life easily and dont need to be struck in such situation. Of course, he gets cold but because he doesnt pay for the heat thinks nothing of switching it on instead of putting on clothing! Hell go to a store and spend $30 per night on food. After so many examples here , you will find out that when a man become long term unemployed (say more then 3-6 months), they personality will change gradually. Drop her and run before . And here I continue to stay . But in govt sector i have little hope. I dont look at him with love anymore just anger mostly. Hes nearly 38 years old and still lives at home. Keep up a daily practice however much as could reasonably be expected. He was very nice and very attentive to me and always called me beautiful and brought me little gifts. You can separate if you married a wrong person. So I say ladies we are being used and in our relationships we have discovered when the chips are down our partners prefer to stay down and watch us haul the baggage. I am from shillong. Surely we cant survive on just love and fresh air. In all honesty, divorce probably won't help . I havent read ALL of these (wow, there are a lot of people in similar circumstances to mine), but what I really want to know is HOW to break up with a partner that is so dependent on you. I want to be able to sing my own praises and whinge about the hours and workload instead of having to say how grateful I am to have a job at all. They tortured him by removing his nails but he still kept himself smiling. Aside from the financial burden unemployment places on a household, a spouse who continues to work faces his or her own issues in dealing with a displaced, depressed family breadwinner. When i caught them it became physical with me n the female causing him to end their affair. It sends a message to their partner that they are not expected to help and often, that they should not.. So what did I do? Its 9 months later. I feel I dont have the right to complain because of this but it does bother me. I dont pretend to know what is the right advice or best advice for anyone in a situation where they are being abused and/or live in constant fear of abuse. I do all the grocery shopping and the cooking, which I generally enjoy and am better at. If one person works more than the other does that mean the person who works fewer hours has to do more chores? If it gives me my life and sanity back Im fine with it.. Ive lived off of peanut butter sandwiches for lunch at work for 3 years now .. this isnt the America I grew up in ,, life really sucks ! I did some in the UK when the opportunity came up, and I learned Swedish and did some small pieces of work in Sweden. I feel a little better knowing there are others out there with this situation. She promised me that it was something she could do and would finish. Often, it is wives who feel unappreciated and overwhelmed with housework, although husbands sometimes experience this as well. Thank God, I have a good freelance job which pays enough to make the ends meet. Since its summer I have started working 4x per week and am trying to find a second job but in september we are back to this. I was too ashamed to say he was back. When I have mentioned selling some of his toys to make sure we will be able to pay the mortgage and put food on our table he says I need to do more! During these years, I cant tell you how many times Ive been at some function where after a few drinks someone said to me, I feel so bad for your partner. my husband refuses to work.he uses health as an excuse,but he was doing this before! I glad that I found this site. Im sorry you are 31 and if you have not yet to get it in the indurstry music you are never. My efforts to get him to go out, meet people, network have all fallen flat. Even when they do work, they hardly make anything. 4 years he is not working . Our three-year-old son has just started schooling and it worries me even more. Or you can accept that your spouse probably isnt going to start cleaning after 10 years of marriage and develop a plan to keep the peace despite this. In the last 16 months fortunately for me (not for him) I have achieved a lot professionally and not only has my salary/bonuses gone well, but I also have the opportunity to travel (with work) to exotic/remote locations. I had viral and emotional problems and extreme overwork. The truth is most of us who have men who are unemployed and not really caring about the stress we feel We KNOW that we should run. My sister refused to ask him details (big mistake! At least he doesnt not smoke, drink or gamble or abuse. Everything We Know About the University of Idaho Murders. A house, an employed husband, happiness . I dont want to even be with him in this life anymore. He agreed to the job and it was clearly explained what it would entail so its not like anyone twisted his arm or held a gun to his head or even mislead him about what would be involved. Good luck to you. Anyways, even that gets tiring because medical studies is like anything else, its not consistent, and its up and down, depending on if my husband keeps his weight down and his vitals right! I still go out once in awhile, but I mostly just work. My doctor knows everything so I dont know why he thinks thatll help. So thanks for telling me in lovely ways. He has failed us as his family. Happy couple talking. So first of all, do yourself a favor and give yourselfyour mind, body, and soula break. Its like shes given up on herself. I feel like I can never truly relax because Im always on guard for what his drinking episodes will tow. Do you know how many times I have wanted to walk out of my job because it is horrible? I am getting away from this man. And we dont have sex. There is a big gap between my boyfriend and me. I also have my unemployed daughter, her unemployed husband and my 5 grandchildren living with us. They said they are willing to do any work for money but their attitude are not matching. i REALLY needed to hear them right now. There are many more things he doesnt do but for google that seemed a good start. Depression can completely kill a persons drive or ambition to do anything including looking for-obtaining work, finding a hobby or performing chores. Every day is different and I am so lost..What can I do to get the man I fell for back? Any advice on how I salvage this or move on would be appreciated. The last person he spoke to was our 19 year old daughter. This man brings some happiness and reliefe in my life, i know its artificial but for those moments, i feel better, i laugh, i smile and I dont have to pay the bill for our lunch and drinks or the petrol/gas in his comfortable mercedes benz (car). I guess for better or worse doesnt exist anymore. Its way more than I thought Id be getting into when we got married. I said yes because I thought it would only be a few weeks, few months tops. How Fashion Designer and Mom to a 2-Year-Old Mary Furtas Gets It Done, Im just much more adult, calmer, and more diplomatic with people. Email your money conundrums tomytwocents@nymag.com. My boyfriend of two and a half years- has not worked. I also do all the housework. Yes I do pray and yes request for prayer and yes I am a religious person and yes my husband and I discuss this over and over and yes I have sympathy for him. I will pray for you partners and please lift me up in prayer. The pain that they can not leave their partner due to Ive read a lot if posts on here but yours mirrors mine almost exactlyIm so mentally exhausted and feel so alone I am so appreciative of what you wrote because it reminds me that Im absolutely normal in what Im feeling. I just break down in tears reading these stories. I am still trying to find the end and switch on the light I often ask myself what have I done to deserve this as life is not fair. So what about those like me? This won't be a pleasant conversation, but you'll need to sit your partner down and have a serious talk about their refusal to work. Im sorry if this was rambling, just need to get it off my chest. After I got home that night she still needed to have a shower, and there was no outfit anywhere to be found, I feel like Im going crazy overthinking what she says and questioning whether I can fully trust that she DOES want a job. He claims he applies for work but I doubt that. This site is protected by reCAPTCHA and the Google Hes amazing with me- caring- loving- sweet but his dark side is scary. So every situation seems so different but similar. being alone with all that money to spend on your own needs would make you far happier than snuggling up to a leech every night. I want to move on but I love him dearly. At times like this, its easy to lose faith, cos I feel like this is a punishment from God for me, as I married a non-believer. He doesnt have any close friends that I could ask to talk to him about this so that makes it difficult too. We are already not doing birthdays. So I have been the bread winner. I dont think as humans we were meant to constantly be exposed to the same people every minute-second-hour of the day. I dropped out of high school, but have never been out of a job and have big aspirations for study. When I come home exhausted I have to study too for my post grad training. He refuses to look for a job coz he says he believes in what he does and all he needs is my support. So I am paying for everything. Jesus Christ. I wouldnt categorize or suggest that youre lazy or unmotivated but you really need to take control of your own life and not depend on or blame others for why you arent getting a job to support yourself. I would be really grateful if you would do these specific things., Of course, its annoying to have to ask him every time you want something done the house manager problem is very real (and also very gendered, typically). Learning how to get along despite your differences is an important part of keeping your marriage healthy. After retirement, living 24/7 with inactive husband will be scary! Then he got a job but quit due to a shoulder injury that he wouldnt see a doctor about. I remember one night I came back from work, totally exhausted while dealing with the two active pre-schoolers. So, my husband booked two weeks straight off.
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